“Honestly, I miss you.”
I know I should have stared at my phone wondering if you were okay, if you hadn’t sent this to the wrong person, if you didn’t get your phone stolen by a friend… After all, you had plenty of opportunities in the past two years to avoid this feeling, but you didn’t. Every time I called you, every time I texted you, every time I tried to see you, you had every opportunity in the world to avoid this feeling. When I reached out to you, almost in tears, trying to restore what once was between us, that brotherly chemistry holding our two souls together, you had every opportunity to avoid this feeling… but you didn’t. You ignored me.
I felt as if I was invisible to you, I felt as I was just a toy, I felt as I was nothing. As if I was ever nothing. As if all those words you had told me, about how much you care about me, were only beautiful lies, specifically designed to lure me into your trap for attention.
Just how many times did I tell you that your behavior hurt me in the deepest of ways? Just how many times did I put off my life for yours while you went around and acted like I wasn’t even there? Just how many times did I tell you that if you did not want me along your side anymore, you just had to say the words, because I’d rather lose us than keep at this… one-sided relationship? Just how many times? And just how many times did you completely ignore my words and started saying or doing something completely unrelated to the topic as if it never existed? You cannot even count them on your fingers.
Thinking back, I often wonder how could I have been such a fool, desperately hanging on to you, to us. I tried so hard to keep thing together, to convince myself that all this was just a phase; that things will get better soon… but they never did. Not until now.
How ironic is that? Just when I was finally starting to stop caring, to let you go, you throw this on my path, blocking my every move once again. However, this will not be like all the other times you have thrown something –admittedly a lot less sentimental- on my path and that I chewed down on it like a dog on a bone until there was no bone and I rushed back towards you to get a another one. No. I won’t let you keep at this game with me. I won’t let you push my head into the waters of uncertainty until I drown in them. Not anymore.
I know you expected me to have stared at my phone wondering if you were okay, if you hadn’t sent this to the wrong person, if you didn’t get your phone stolen by a friend… but I didn’t. I didn’t. I just voiced an unmoved “own” and put my phone back on the pile of work I have to do and that I will do, thanks to the fact I have relieved myself from the position of being your devoted emotional servant, ready to get you out of trouble and be there for you at any cost without even getting my own self acknowledged.
From now on, I will no longer fall prey to your meaningless words and I will no longer make my hands bleed as I try to hold our ties together alone. Relationships are not a thing for one, but for two. You miss me? Fine. Prove it to me. Invest yourself. Give your words purpose and truth.
Because if you don’t -and you truly miss me-, I swear, I won’t need to die to haunt you.