I Will No Longer

“Honestly, I miss you.”

I know I should have stared at my phone wondering if you were okay, if you hadn’t sent this to the wrong person, if you didn’t get your phone stolen by a friend… After all, you had plenty of opportunities in the past two years to avoid this feeling, but you didn’t. Every time I called you, every time I texted you, every time I tried to see you, you had every opportunity in the world to avoid this feeling. When I reached out to you, almost in tears, trying to restore what once was between us, that brotherly chemistry holding our two souls together, you had every opportunity to avoid this feeling… but you didn’t. You ignored me.

I felt as if I was invisible to you, I felt as I was just a toy, I felt as I was nothing. As if I was ever nothing. As if all those words you had told me, about how much you care about me, were only beautiful lies, specifically designed to lure me into your trap for attention.

Just how many times did I tell you that your behavior hurt me in the deepest of ways? Just how many times did I put off my life for yours while you went around and acted like I wasn’t even there? Just how many times did I tell you that if you did not want me along your side anymore, you just had to say the words, because I’d rather lose us than keep at this… one-sided relationship? Just how many times? And just how many times did you completely ignore my words and started saying or doing something completely unrelated to the topic as if it never existed? You cannot even count them on your fingers.

Thinking back, I often wonder how could I have been such a fool, desperately hanging on to you, to us. I tried so hard to keep thing together, to convince myself that all this was just a phase; that things will get better soon… but they never did. Not until now.

How ironic is that? Just when I was finally starting to stop caring, to let you go, you throw this on my path, blocking my every move once again. However, this will not be like all the other times you have thrown something –admittedly a lot less sentimental- on my path and that I chewed down on it like a dog on a bone until there was no bone and I rushed back towards you to get a another one. No. I won’t let you keep at this game with me. I won’t let you push my head into the waters of uncertainty until I drown in them. Not anymore.

I know you expected me to have stared at my phone wondering if you were okay, if you hadn’t sent this to the wrong person, if you didn’t get your phone stolen by a friend… but I didn’t. I didn’t. I just voiced an unmoved “own” and put my phone back on the pile of work I have to do and that I will do, thanks to the fact I have relieved myself from the position of being your devoted emotional servant, ready to get you out of trouble and be there for you at any cost without even getting my own self acknowledged.

From now on, I will no longer fall prey to your meaningless words and I will no longer make my hands bleed as I try to hold our ties together alone. Relationships are not a thing for one, but for two. You miss me? Fine. Prove it to me. Invest yourself. Give your words purpose and truth.

Because if you don’t -and you truly miss me-, I swear, I won’t need to die to haunt you.

We’ve Been Here Before

Isolation.jpg

We’ve been here before, haven’t we?

We’ve been here before but there weren’t all those mountains and it wasn’t as cold. It was open, bright and warm.

Maybe because the bridge was brand new, maybe because the bridge was taken care of, maybe because there wasn’t a river trying to take over. You pick, I’m not sure.

What I’m sure of is that we’re staring at each other from opposite mountain tops, waiting for the other to make a move, and that when that will finally happen, it’ll be too late.

The bridge will rot and there will be an ocean separating us.

All our work for nothing.

 


 

Text and picture originally published on my Simblr.

About a broken friendship.

One day you’ll miss me

One day, you’ll miss me.

You’ll lie in bed after a long day and stare at your phone thinking how it’d be great if you could talk to me right now and you’ll wake up the next day and beg to wake up to one of my annoying texts. You’ll look up at the sky every rainy day and starry night and remember how I used to tell you how much I love those and how I’m not there now to repeat it again. You’ll get yourself in trouble and think it’s okay because I’ll be there only to realise I won’t be solving your problems anymore. I won’t even listen to them. You’ll get shivers at the memory of how cold I was when I left you, after all that warmth I gave you. Your heart will ache when you think of me and your hand will reach for your shirt and pull on it. You’ll want to rip your heart apart after it’s empty of my love. You’ll find yourself staring in the distance and expect me to pop out from behind the corner with a smile, but I’ll never come.

I’ll never come back again to you.

I Wanted

In that moment, I can guarantee you that I wanted to land the sweetest of kisses on your lips, only for you to grab me by the waist and pull me against you. I wanted you to press your lips against mine, I wanted you to kiss me like I was air and you couldn’t breathe, I wanted you to grab at my shirt as if you couldn’t stand its presence, I wanted to feel my hands behind your neck, maybe pull your hair, I wanted to hear your heavy breathing and hear you grunt as you force yourself to part away from me.

I wanted to see you run your fingers through your hair and hear you whispering a cuss word as you wondered just what exactly happened; just what exactly have you done. I wanted to see you asking me if we could cut this meeting short because you couldn’t stand this right now.

Later, I wanted to hear the sound of my phone indicating me I had a new text message and I wanted to see that it was sent by you. I wanted to read that you wanted to meet me to put things to a point; to figure things out because you were so confused and lost. I wanted to agree, meet you again and hear you apologize as you confessed that you might actually like me more than you initially thought you did. I wanted to see you hesitantly yet gently approaching me. I wanted to feel your forehead against mine, your breath tickling my skin and your hands on me. I wanted to see your face as I told you that, unfortunately, I didn’t feel the same.

I wanted to destroy you in the most excruciating way.

Chemical Industry

I thought I’d never feel this agony,

Taking advantage of my fragility,

Making me lose my sanity.

 

Is this some sort of trickery?

Why do I crave you with such avidity and so sinfully,

Even after I denied our affinity,

And replaced it with apathy.

 

I am beginning to doubt my ability,

My system can’t reach unanimity,

And I can’t stand this antinomy.

Stop,stop this chemical industry.

”Letting go of someone is a process, not an event.”

”Letting go of someone is a process, not an event.”


Free translation of ”Se détacher de quelqu’un est un processus et non un évènement.” It’s a quote from my psychology manual at school (no, I’m not majoring in psychology) .

Take your time to heal and don’t be ashamed of your feelings. Take care.

The way he makes me feel

The way he makes me feel is something I have never experienced before.

I’ve mastered many feelings and emotions, but this one is rather tricky to grasp. It’s like a mutant virus that is as persistent as a cancer. It keeps on changing and adapting to everything I throw its way. It grows on me, its roots getting deeper and deeper, grasping every last one of my cells in its path.  It spreads like wildfire and burns me without mercy. It squeezes my heart harder and harder like it’s trying to make every last drop of blood pour out of it. It crushes every last inch of my lungs and creeps at my throat.  It sends chills down my spine and makes me shake like the most violent of earthquakes, but in the same time I feel like even the absolute zero won’t stop the lava flowing in my veins from boiling. It hinders my movement to the point I think I may be made of stone.  It makes salted rain fall on my cheeks; cheeks part of a face that has adopted the color of snow. It makes my eyes open wide like they can’t believe what they are seeing and when they can’t take it anymore, they seal shut.

The way he makes me feel creates a silent hurricane in my head.

The way he makes me feel takes me out of reality and drowns me into sheer terror.